She was listening for the angels just like me

4 years ago today was the beginning! I can't believe how much time has swirled by since then, I can't even acknowledge all the changes before they rush past. I still cling to commemorating the important days though. Morena, todavia estas conmigo? Me accompanas en lo que tengo que enfrentar ahora?

One way to be my journey, this way could be my book of days.

I saw this on someone's blog and it intrigued me. Here is my own voice from the dust, telling you about September 30th (or the date closest to it) over the years. I edited for darker content, and I've given everyone who might need one a fake name. Commentary I couldn't resist making is in brackets. I know it's lengthy and kind of heavy so I don't expect anyone to wade through it, but it's been a fascinating experiment for me. There happened to be many September entries that were especially full of angst, but don't judge, I promise I wasn't emo all the time, I think writing was just cathartic for me. It's kind of amazing to see how much of a thunderous cliche I was (am?) but I also see glimmers of my best self, which gives me heart. :)

September 8, 1996, 12
I have observable evidence that Natalie has been reading my journal...I like school, to some extent. We had the relatives over today. [Seriously? Who talks like that? 'The relatives'?] I think I have a neat family! I'm a pretty lucky kid when I think about it...I want to remember always that when Grandpa gave me my KEEP PACE sign, he told me as we walked out of the chicken coop, "Everyone who's my best friend has to have a Keep Pace sign." I love that.

September 26, 1997, 13
I'm sorry I haven't written in so long! I've missed talking to you. I've been very busy. We had a very exciting morning. A million things happened and they all made us laugh. When we got paid for the paper route we went to Media Play and bought the Star Wars trilogy! I'm so excited but we can only watch TV on the weekends now. No more TV on school days. I forgot to tell you that Princess Diana died in a car wreck because some disgusting photographers were chasing her on motorcycles.

September 30, 1998, 14
[After a lengthy and melodramatic description of a confrontation with a parent:] Jesus said we need to forgive 70 times 7. That's 490. I've been keeping track in my notebook and I have 31 already. Just this year, too.
Today Johnny sat diagonal from me on the bus and we talked a lot about gym. He is so stunning. I am so happy whenever I can make him laugh but I want to die whenever we have to run laps in front of the boys. It's bad running with them too but I decided having them watch is worse.
I think my brother Bill is lonely sometimes. Tonight I babysat him while Mom was at the piano recital. He was the only one home besides me. He said he wanted to play Clue or Monopoly. I asked him if he knew how to play those games and he said "Well, no, but the other kids won't let me play, and you could teach me." We played Adventure Park, which is a psychologist game that has cards with psychological questions. I think Dad got it from a psychiatrist. One of the questions was, "What do you wish people would do more often?" Bill thought about it and then he said, "Play with me." I hate Adventure Park. I cheated so Bill would win and he cheated so he'd win, too. We were both happy. After that I helped him paint a picture on the computer.
I'm having fun in debate. Mark said yes to Marcie when she asked him to the Christmas dance. I am so happy for her! News Flash! Lindsay got her tongue pierced. It's kind of cool I guess, but it makes me think of the nails in Jesus' hands. [HAHAHAHAHAHA! Also, WTF?]
We have a concert in choir soon. My favorite line in "O Holy Night" is "A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." That's all my news for today!

September 15, 1999, 15
Today was so very disappointing. Why can't things ever be easy or fun anymore? When I talk to my friends on the phone it's like a counselor session. I'm always GIVING. I am so tired and I am in such a bad mood that everything looks black right now. I need some sleep and I need to read my scriptures and ask Mr. Hilton about my research paper and study my history notes and do my speech over and forget about stupid GUYS. This morning Mom and I were in an argument about how I don't want to get married. She was saying I was being selfish and that I was going to break a lot of guys' hearts. Excuse me. "Mom," I said, "No guy has ever liked me in my life." And this is the truth. [This was not the truth.] "You're only fifteen!" She exclaimed. I'm only fifteen?! I'm a joke. There is so much I've already missed out on. Katie Davis has had guys falling all over her since third grade and now she has a senior boyfriend, she's always dating and going to movies on top of having perfect grades, tons of friends and being a Tigerette. What do I have?

Some things. I have some things. This morning I did the devotional for Seminary and I talked about little children being like the kingdom of heaven and volunteering at Lewis and loving everyone. I think it was a good talk, it made me feel very spiritual and powerful. I love the Lewis kids so much. I want to give something to so many people.
Things with Dad are starting to be like they were before. I need to do better.

September 27, 2000, 16
"I don't believe you when you say, everything will be wonderful someday"
I'm sorry I haven't written for so long. I'm feeling very discouraged right now. And I can't even blame it on anyone. I feel like my hands and face are covered with black paint, but I painted myself, like I was trying to get attention, and it didn't work. All I want is for him to notice me. That's it. All he has to do is talk to me. Or say hi in the hall. I can fill in the holes by myself. And if I can't than the bottom falls out from under me and there's nothing to land on and when the floor shifts and slip-slides away I remember how fake it is.

Sometimes I look at people I know are unhappy and wonder why no one else can see. Like Josh? There are times when I can tell he is a seriously tormented human being. Everyone thinks he's really annoying but I feel miserable for him. He's a masochist and so am I occasionally. Is that why I..I was to say "understand him" but I don't understand him! I can't see where he's coming from. But no one else even wonders about the reasons he acts like he does...I think he's so insecure and scared and out of control and when someone is like that, and they have such severe problems, you can't just pass them off as obnoxious and put them away...on the other hand, I don't know one thing in the world I can do to help, he's not interested in anyone being a good example.

The Student Government social was so fun! No one had any inhibitions, and we just played around and bonded. The senior boys threw us in the pool with our clothes on. I had the best talk with Miss Rob about letting other people shine and faking confidence even if you don't feel it, and how I can develop the qualities I admire in other people instead of just feeling bad about myself because I don't have them.

Miss Rob drove me and Calie home and said we were good sports about being thrown in the water. But I really didn't mind because I loved it, and there was an added bonus because I got to play around in the water but didn't have to look fat in a swimsuit. I really bonded with Calie cause she has a bigger crush on Johnny than I do. On the way home I made Miss Rob drive by his house and I told her to drive slow cause there was a blind kid in the neighborhood. She said, "Is he IN the ROAD?"

Mr. Butler is cynical but amazing and very smart! I am learning so much in that class just by talking and listening to him talk. I feel overcome with ideas. I'm finding out what I really think about issues...like do I even believe in the American Dream?
I'll write more tomorrow night cause I have a ghastly test I have to study for.

September 30, 2001, 17
Hey hey! I haven't written for more than a month mainly because I misplaced this book. There have been many times when I have collapsed into my bed weary and battleworn, when I wished I had recorded my endeavors and emotions of that day, I know it takes time but I think it's worth the effort to write every day. So much is lost and forgotten if you don't write it down and preserve it. From now on I am going to try to write just a little bit every night about my life--this dying swansong of seventeen. I have recently grasped the awful concept that my days of youth are fleeting away and will be plunged into darkness come June!!
Naturally this knowledge distresses me greatly. Of course there will be the glorious time of power, courage, endurance and conviction when I will be called to serve, but the time before and after will be bleak and dreary. Everything light and fun will end when I graduate from OHS and my life will become emptied of joy...

I meant to say that life is wonderful. No math this year. I'm slightly concerned about college and scholarships but you know me, I go ducking out from under it and dance merrily on my way like it'll take care of itself and I know someday it's going to bang me in the face and knock me cross eyed, but I could care less as long as I don't end up at Weber.

Today was the Relief Society broadcast and I tried not to let it make me uncomfortable, but it did...I wish someone could answer my questions but I'm not even sure what I'm trying to ask. I can't make this okay in my head...It's swirling around like some gigantic painful stew and I hate it. I was trying to write about some happy days but the torture has resurfaced and I am struggling to make it go away again. How can you be married to someone and hate them? What did they do to deserve this? They aren't bad people. But if it's like this for everybody then what's the point and I wish Nephi would have written about his wife. She must have had incredible experiences. I wish I could at least know her name. Why didn't all these great men of God consider the possible merits of having some female heroes among those voices from the dust? Maybe no one else would care but it would mean so much to me. And the very fact that they didn't consider it must mean we're insignificant. I love the story of the Stripling Warriors but it is given to Sam and JJ and not to me. What stories of ourselves ARE given to girls? What can I wish for?

I can still comfort the weary and strengthen the weak. I guess that's all I can do--it's the only constant I have. I will continue to serve and try to give freely and the Lord will bless me. With what? I worry I can never have the things that will make me truly happy. Who knows? Maybe we'll all get blown up tomorrow.

September 26, 2002, 18
Hey, it's me! Do you have any idea how much I'm pimpin' it up here? Mostly I love everyone and everyone loves me! I struggle so much trying to study with my overactive social life. I don't feel like a freshman emotionally (I mean scared or confused). I am out and about always and everywhere. I LOVE it here!!! It has everything I loved about high school except for the assemblies. I get to stay up later, spend less time in class, and there are no parents. I just wanted to say how thankful I am that the Lord helped me prepare and present my lesson today in R.S. I was so nervous but once I got up there it was a smoothbeautifully folded miracle.

October 2, 2003, 19
Thank you for music, and thank you more for the sunset this night. It was so glorious!--I was so happy to see it. I can't see a sunset without thinking, "How great thou art!"

I played tonight, and I shouldn't have. Ben asked me out again and tonight Eric took me to the combined choir concert. It was stunning and knocked my perspective back into place. He brought me flowers and played his guitar for me but i. just. want. Casey. I'm really glad that Melanie has my back about Casey being the right one for me, it makes it that much easier.

I couldn't help tasting the sweetness of those things Eric says to me and I really can TALK to him, not just make conversation, but even as I was out under the stars, clutching those daisies and listening to those songs, my heart was bursting with the hope of being back with Casey someday. What wouldn't I give for one more moonlit night on the back staircase of Wells Hall. And, oh, so much longer til I see his face again! I don't know if I could stand it if I saw that face and didn't know it, or if his eyes lost that warmth and the joyful look he had for me. At the same time I can sense the stone cut out of the mountain without hands and he's working SO hard. I'm so proud of him and more than a little worried I'll never catch up. I hope there is more to me than Casey, but he is so unselfishly, wholeheartedly good, I have never known anyone better and I know I could never make a better decision than to have that powerful goodness by my side. And oh, so much I miss my friend!

September 26, 2004, 20
"How long thy love has blessed me, sure it still will lead me on"
I'm sitting on one of the benches in front of the ASB and it's absolutely the most gorgeous, peaceful Sabbath afternoon ever. It's so warm and beautiful outside and church was AMAZING today--the Spirit burned and melted my heart so many times. I feel refreshed and humbled and desperate to get to Romania and to the mission field. Our message is so flawless, I love it! Jesucristo is truly the light of the nations, He is our Rock and HE LOVES US. I can feel it. Today Jenny taught about 3 Nefi 11 and the 3 days of darkness before the Son of Righteousness came to visit the Nephites. She turned off all the lights and had several guys read the scriptures in different languages. Then we sang "Come unto Jesus, from every nation." Then in R.S all the returned sisters sang "I'll Go where you want me to go" in their mission languages. It really touched me, I know Hollie loved it too. We're both trying to work hard and prepare ourselves for our missions. I want you to know that at this moment, right now, I feel sure that Heavenly Father loves us his daughters so very much and that it must hurt and infuriate Him when men treat us so badly. I'm thankful to Him for keeping me safe and blessing me with so much. I want to keep this Light, bind it to me and spread the joy of the gospel. I know I'm prone to wander, but I don't want to be!
I love going places in Provo and running into people I know! My life I live it to the limit and I love it. I had the best date with "El Presidente" last night, we went to Chilis and got quesadillas and then watched Pirates of the Caribbean after the boys fixed the DVD player. I'm not exactly sure what El Presidente thinks about me, but presumably he likes me a little since he always holds my hand and we hecka cuddle whenever we watch movies. Actually I just need to get over myself and stop being a player (sometimes I go with 3 different guys during one day, all spaced out--not good!) and work harder at all the responsibilities I'm privileged to have. Wish me luck, thanks for listening! It's a beautiful DAY!

September 24, 2005, 21
Casey means so much to me, it's exactly the way it used to be with us except "coupled with eternal glory." My day doesn't start til I see him and I can't stay away. He really is my joy. I love all our late nights on the couch watching the O.C and playing Gin with the Tail. I love him so much. Last Sunday my grandparents took us to the Spanish devotional about Jose Smith at the conference center. It was SO POWERFUL singing in Spanish with that many people! I loved the message and the sounds of the words. Casey started crying during the opening hymn and when I saw it my eyes got teary, too. It touches me so much to see how loving the people in his mission affects him. I wish missing that country and those experiences were something I could share with him. He kept turning away and trying not to let me see him crying, but he didn't need to, nothing could have been more attractive. I haven't felt the Spirit like that since I left Romania, probably since my experience teaching Elena with the Elders. It was amazing and so tangible. There was a very sweet little hispanic down syndrome boy who kept peeking at me from under his hands and I kept wanting to hold him on my lap. Casey means everything to me, being with him gives my life more meaning. My children would be so blessed to have him as a father. My life would be so blessed spent beside him. He's so funny and spastic like me, but sometimes he gives jaw-droppingly wise counsel. I respect him so much.

September 17, 2006, 22
"May angels lead you in..." The caged bird is singing redemption songs and I feel a sort of creeping despair because my brother writes so beautifully. Occasionally I think I was born without powers of reason, completely blind and deaf but able to react with exaggerated and uncoordinated emotional flailing at hot and cold. I had no idea how much philosophy was involved in missionary work at in saving men's souls. The fact that it is distressingly complicated does not lessen the glory of the youth of Zion preaching glad tidings to a rotting world, but it can be disillusioning at times to be hammered and sprayed with so much excellent advice than on occasion can see contradictory. We all want to work, we all want to do good, we just lack faith and ingenuity and we get too extreme instead of seeking balance.

This transfer feels like it's stretching me more than the last one although we have more good work to do...I know receiving Hermana Pidwerbecki as a companion was TRULY a blessing from the One who knows all things because she has a keen eye on all my weaknesses, speaks truth, and somehow seems to keep me from making disastrous mistakes. :) She's definitely seen me at my worst and that's embarrassing, but somehow less lonely. I have endless improving to do as a missionary, but when I think of the pride and naivete that was present in me when I entered the CCM, I feel queasy.

These are sweet days because they are setting the tones for my spiritual strength the rest of my life. Sometimes I think the only question I have to settle is whether I hate myself more than I love the Savior. That's a very bleak thought and I'm sure not an original one, but sometimes hideous memories, slimy tales from the homefront and well-deserved criticism make me want to cease to exist. I don't know why I felt so much peace in Bryan and it's different here, but I know that peace was real and sweet and it didn't just come from the environment or from my companion, but because I swung open the gate to my heart. I'm not sure what exactly slammed it shut again. I'm still prideful, see? In the same moments I'm trying to create a legacy of faith, catch the scope and vision and breadth and fire of the gospel, I find myself narrowing into a more cynical creature. Why would I care about any of that if I really believe in a God of miracles, in a Savior of the orphans?...
...And there is a deep wound in my heart for Eric because of how dearly and painfully I love him but how truly loath I am to let myself be with him. It's UGLY because he feels so much after me that I lose respect for him and the proposal on paper was almost stingingly accusatory that I've made him wait on a bed of nails but he does it gladly. I have no comprehension of how to defend myself and protect him in the same moment--I am going to beg and plead that the powers of heaven guide my pen--

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that Francisco prayed the other night in tears after watching FFIC--in tears!--pleading to know if someone was aware of him, and he felt a warm hand on his back. He said he knows for sure that God is aware of his struggles and loves him despite everything. He said the feeling of love and mercy came so powerfully that he wanted to run out in the streets and tell everyone that the Savior lives. He told me he believed it before but he knows it for sure now; he even prayed for his mother and felt something speak to his heart, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Even though I know he will fall again, it was a glorious moment for me to hear this--more than I can explain. I have worked and struggled so hard with him, but I have always felt that literally the Lord has His hand on Francisco's back. Do you think it's on mine as well and I'm just not as good at feeling it?

I guess when they talk about losing your life, they really mean it--supuestamente you can turn it in for a better one. TO BE CONTINUED...Love, Morena.

September 11, 2007, 23
I have the sweetest, clearest bell chiming in my heart right now so I wanted to tune in...I am so happy to be back in beautiful, memory-laden white-bread Provo. I'm still struggling with myself but I believe that my Father can help me. He helped me become Hermana Morena, He can take my empathy and humiliated humility and give me the experiences I need to help me become a competent social worker.

Before it spins even further away, I have to mention how bomb it was to go back to H-town--the miraculous/disastrous, ridiculously lucky journey, and the marvelous days with mis homies. I have such a tender love for the dear ones I was called to serve. When we drove over the state line from Oklahoma to Texas at 2 AM I was suddenly alert and filled with this energy and elation--I was going HOME! I felt so happy and alive and in love with the gospel and that feeling stayed with me throughout the duration of our time there. I'd forgotten how much I loved the sudden thunderstorms and the Spanglish and the way the air feels like a sauna. My time with Los Sosa y Serrano melted my heart and it's too precious and sacred for me to find the words right now to describe how I felt when Sixto prayed over dinner and Ismael taught me about el Espiritu Santo when I went to mission prep with him. I felt too full, too joyous, it's something too wonderful to happen to me!

The Spirit is like a sweet light inside me that gives me comfort and courage. I am not lost to my Father and I know He loves me despite my many weaknesses. I am not afraid to be sincere. I feel so thrilled in all my classes to have the ability to express myself well and learn from all the social working warriors. I want to figure myself out. I feel loved right now, it's so fun to have new friends and feel fearless. I'm changing in good ways and becoming who my Savior would have me be, I hope. I know there are brothers of mine who have fallen by the wayside and are just suffering in the dark. I know what it's like to be a human being in pain and I want to be a bearer of light to help them move to higher ground. The Lord will always require so much, but than in itself is a blessing. I'm ready for Him to tune me into a different kind of instrument, I'm in another white field, white with tears and tragedy. I know He won't leave me alone if I'm trying to help another of His children. I'm privileged to be here!

One word about guys ----------> I seem stuck in a swirling pool of misery and desperation that consists of, seemingly, every male who was ever associated in any way with my relationship with Casey. It never ends! I guess it's complimentary but I still feel hurt and undignified. I don't want to hurt anyone, but the lonely are such delicate things. :(

I still miss my mission, but I feel filled with hope. I think good things can happen to me and of me...I miss the old days but these days are good, too.

September 22, 2008, 24
Buenos dias! I found the capilla yesterday and the office in Volcanes today all on my own! The members were so kind to me and the wife of the obispo invited me to noche de hogar tonight at her house! I am feeling liberated and elated. I loved walking down the street this morning and the smell of salsa in the air when I passed the shops. I want to absorb Mexico into my skin, into my soul. I love the colors and the broken-down-ness, the quick fluttering of Spanish everywhere. To a certain extent I miss going to class and discussing all the roots of the world and mercy from heaven, but for now I want to work work work!

You've been in the desert underneath the charging sky

These are my most loved poems by e.e cummings. I love the first one because it holds all the precious things in patterns but to noone and anyone it doesn't matter how many times it's happened before, they are always Adam and Eve and the only story that matters is theirs.

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

Here is the second poem. Naomi gave it to me before I left for Romania and it cleanly fit the spirit of everything jumping around in my heart. It's energy and joy and it is the sun's birthday!

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of allnothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

This is ourselves under pressure

Any way you try to twist the story I still feel trapped, trapped, trapped. Like I am de-railing everything I hoped for. But maybe that train was never on its way. The alternative is black nothingness or toolboxes or the Land of the Misfit toys. I promised to commit with mi corazon entero and plead with heaven to shine some light on my conondrum. For so long I balked and resisted and pouted and wept and then suddenly I just slipped into his pocket. I've been fighting to get out ever since but what if that's where I belong?

Where you gonna go with a heart that gone?

This week I experienced 48 hours of WIN! Perfect days are rare, I need to chronicle this glory before it fades.

*I thought the drive down here would get tedious (especially because I was alone) but it was actually such a lovely, introspective time for me to take a dive through my thoughts. There have been times in my life when I've felt steeped in regret, aching so much for my mistakes that I felt paralyzed. Right now I feel like running everywhere, there's a delicious freedom swirling through my life that makes me feel like all my dreams are on their way. I don't hate myself for being so impossibly old, for the gradual descent into the life I never meant. I did mean it. I do.

*I made it to Phoenix on time to attend a panel my professor was having in another class of hers--on human trafficking and survivors of prostitution. It was heartbreaking and fascinating--I learned so much. One of the speakers was a vice officer whose perspective has changed from seeing prostitutes as criminals--now he understands that they are victims. One of the women who is a survivor explained that after awhile the drugs don't work anymore, you can't get high enough to help you forget or feel good, and that the "little box" you have in your head where you store all the horrible things that happen to you starts to overflow. She had sold or lost everything. All the hideous things that you can imagine happened to a human being happened to her over and over again...and when the only way out was up she was not strong enough to take charge of her own healing process--she had to be carried. Now she works with the DIGNITY House that helps women involved in prostitution and carries other women through. She said that now she is addicted to service. When I left that night I couldn't stop thinking about them...I see the world so differently and there is so much ugliness out there that has never touched me. It's so important to remember that so many people walk through hell every day...and that even people who have been so badly burned can change. It was horrible and hopeful at the same time.

*It's such an unusual blessing to feel at home with someone else's family! My aunt and uncle and cousins have been so amazingly good to me. From the moment I got here they were like ants of kindness swarming all over me, chattering, carrying in my stuff, showing me around. I love having scripture study with them every night (they have an unbroken record of study every night for 10 years!), exploring the pond with my little cousin Jared and talking to Mikey, Matt-Matt and Grant. My aunt Carol loves to tell stories just like I do and my uncle Lee is loving and strong like all the Pace men. I'm so lucky to be here and they tell me all the time how happy they are to have me. It's a good situation.

*I have a Batman blanket. I think that was a goal I had at one time and I have suddenly achieved it.

*In my room I have a skinny mirror like the one in the Fairbanks apartment on my mission = great for the self esteem :)

*Coming out of the back apartment in the morning with the pool and the sunshine makes me feel like Ryan Atwood on the O.C :)

*My soul loves all the sun! There is a different brightness here than in Utah.

*I'm usually easily lost anywhere I go, but I've had an unusual ability to go directly wherever I need to go...even by accident! Yesterday I was driving to school from Mesa to Phoenix and I had decided just to follow the mapquest directions backwards...I thought I needed to get on the East 10 but at the last minute I wrenched the car out of the exit lane for no reason. It was completely unconscious, then I thought: why did I do that? Now I have to find another exit and I'll be late for school! Then, to my shock and delight I saw that the next exit was for the very street I needed to go straight to the downtown Phoenix campus. I'd had no idea! I think Jesus took the wheel so I could make it to class on time. CHAS GRACIAS!

*When I got to class my professor handed back a log I'd written the week before and told me that I was an excellent writer and that I should consider doing research. !!!! :) :) Then she lowered her voice and said, "I haven't told anyone else that this semester." I'd been anxious about my first paper at ASU and hadn't thought it was my strongest, but that's always so nice to hear. It gave me animo.

*I can't explain what a flood of joy it is to be back in school. It's like my mind is jumping back into activity after months of laziness, this glorious stretch! I love learning about social work and don't even mind the 8-hour classes (much). The class is challenging and my professor is engaging. I've started thinking that if I never have a family I'd like to get a PH.D in a few years.

*I love having friends from my class now to go to lunch and walk out with. The first day I thought I would feel so isolated and lonely, but there is warmth and camaraderie. I just feel good here. I made friends with the people who work at the Subway near the house of my tios and talked to them for a long time. They told me to come back and see them often.

*I'm so glad to live near the fabulous Emily Brems again and spend time with her and Rob! 6 years later it's still a party!

*Exactly one month after I left my job at NuSkin I was offered a part time position at My Sister's Place. It's not a ton of hours unfortunately, but I'll love working at a DV shelter again and they are offering me $14.80 an hour because I speak Spanish!!! Que milagro! It's in Chandler, 15 minutes from where my tios live and depending on how it goes I could potentially keep the job when school starts full time in the fall.

*Oh and also! Apart from all the good school stuff I get to read, I started East of Eden, I'm in the middle of En El Tiempo de Las Mariposas, and my estimado grandfather sent me a book by the wonderful Barbara Kingsolver called Bean Trees about a (barren?) girl who goes to Arizona. How terribly blessed I am!

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice

Kahlil Gibran, THE PROPHET, from The Coming of the Ships

"But as he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart:

How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.

Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness, and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?

Too many fragments of the spirit have I scattered in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.

It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.

Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst."

The city I left as a tiny child has a name that means hope for me. A phoenix lives a thousand years before it ignites itself and then is reborn from its own ashes. It is an allegory of resurrection, of perpetual existence and joy. For this the ashes don't mean mourning, they mean watch out! I am spinning back to life again. I have whirled into fire, crumbled into dust, and found myself whole and triumphant again. So many times I have broken for sorrow with that flame, but why? Nothing is lost, another thousand years of life are beginning.
The Phoenix is rising.

Think sad, your troubles double, think glad, they burst like bubbles

Tonight I had a tragedy exploding in my mind so I found these messages on resiliency and positivity (the first and last videos). Charlotte's Web reminded me of being little (listen to the words of the song, it's cheesy but kind of powerful) and then I got distracted looking up the theme songs to my favorite shows when I was a kid and successfully eradicated the tragedy...if you were born in the 80's these are pretty much guaranteed to brighten your day.





























This one is my favorite. :)