'Cause I've been running a long time

Hi! I just wanted to let any interested parties know that the real party has moved to my other blog: knowmoreastranger.blogspot.com. It's less angsty than this blog and also I have a husband who writes on it too! So update your blog rolls if you feel like it!!

Love Rachel

I want your flowers like babies want God's love, or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come

This was my Valentine's Gift to JJS today. This connection came to me with perfect clarity by dawn's early light a few weeks ago and the symbolism jolted me. I wanted to make it into a poem, but I don't think I have enough of that stuff that makes poems left in my soul. I miss the feeling of being able to write. So this is the fragmented, watery version of the poem that could have been, but maybe there's something here. Happy. Valentine's Day.

TEACUPS

My old friend told me once that being young and unattached is like sitting in a spinning teacup at that ride at Disneyland. He said we spend our years whirling in circles, propelled from one side of the platform to the other. The company we keep with other riders feels intense, rich with meaning, but everything changes swiftly as the cups twirl far and away from each other, lurching close together again, finally flying apart. “When everything stops,” he wrote me, “who knows where we’ll all be?...I hope I end up somewhere near you.”

I clung to that metaphor like I would have to the sides of my painted teacup. I wanted to keep my heart spinning free away from anything that seemed to be a fetter. Whenever I felt my cup slowing down I would shove off again.

I knew nothing ugly could happen if I could keep the cup from shuddering to a halt. There were so many nightmarish shadowy creatures that might tear me apart if even slowed down. I carried that dense fear with me for years. All I saw, did and tasted taught me that to stay spinning was the only way to be safe, the only way to be free.

I attempted to tie my companions to me, sometimes, but the velocity with which I moved always broke us apart. There were cracks in the cups, and sometimes an aching dizziness.

Imagine this lovely irony; the golden morning in the canyon. The leaves and sun were so bright in a jubilant echo of summer. I felt all the good thoughts I’d ever had bubbling up in me like a spring; I wanted to pour them all out for you and have you look them over. Look me over. Please let me please you. I was anxious my lessthan would show on my face, but my skin and heart felt alive with the sun and the warmth of your goodness. You sliced through the fakery and my real soul sprang out terrified and rejoicing. And you! And you! And you with me! The air around me was teeming with poems and lyrics and hope.

I was hoping. And then you handed me a teacup. And I knew that finally I wanted to stop.

In the moonlight, you'll dance til you fall, and always be here in my heart

I wrote this in November.




The words first seeped out, then fleetly flew around pouring under doors and dancing, chanting in my sleep, no it's not true, you misunderstood. Trying to collect the black paint and pour it back in the bottle before it dried. All I did was stain my hands. I'll never be happy again, not like that. You should have let me split my love, there was enough to go around. Music like razors searing the flesh of my wrist, my heart. "If that's how you're gonna leave, straight out from underneath, then we'll see who's sorry now." Hi, I'm eighteen, haunted and beautiful. How far can I push you? So close I was dizzy, a few more days... running up the back stairs and the door to my heart swings open, his face holy with elation. "Awww, girl..." and what a beautiful mess, what a beautiful mess I'm in. Stayed out so late that spring came early one morning. Do you have to leave? You may go away, but I'll have both arms around you and leave my empty cicada body behind. This is now, this is you, this is all I've ever wanted if I can keep my heart from drowning in my own badness. You're so far away, so much higher than me in the better tree. Watch me break myself for you; library books tumbling down, chasing toddlers on a dreary playground. I write you restrained, straining for an ehco of love, my sweetness stilled by your mandates. Every book the box doesn't bear me a letter I feel my soul stillborn, still burning for you. Other boy on the tiger-print lovesack reverently touches my fingers--"Juliet"--but I recoil, terrified to betray you. I spin them all the shadows of my sorrow until they are desperate to save me. Chain, chain, chain, if there is hurt and loss it will be on my terms only. I love you like the stars above, I'll love you til I die, that will be ours, okay? Tell me it's not real, it feels too real, you want details by the mouthful but I only give you words salted with hopelessness. I am so surrounded by soldiers, but so lonely. I save every song for you in a treasure trunk I'm keeping for tomorow. SPRING AT LAST! I want to disappear from the righteous burdens, want to disappear under blankets. Just a sweet taste, and I put it down in a minute and everything will be as before. Pacify the concerns with splashes of truth. And there's a place for us. There is no place for YOU! Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone because you might convince me. Sweet child in my arms, what will become of us? You're like a star telling me I am a stranger, broken heart in a broken game, we all fall down. 3 quarters, 3 wishes and a compelling memory. Dread and blue fringe on the letter, are you ever coming home again? Through the bright you are found again but maybe I am lost now. I am crying in the back room, the songs don't fit after all so who do we all belong to? How did you know?! The sky and the earth have been ripped away and all is ash, all the former glory charred and vanished. He can't erase me, I've been there in the corners waiting all along. Who could love him sweeter than I? I have lost my blue light, and I am so sorry! You're the hero in all my memories now, and I am the dove to your morning. To your mourning. I am impossibly cruel. I am both barbaric and mortally wounded. I lost my soul with the tag and where is the light now? How do I find my way home? Blind creatures find each other in the dark and with dismay in the morning see how hideous they have made themselves. This wasn't who I was supposed to be. I can't abide these waste places.

So please Lord, I want you to take it all away. Let me leave behind ancient sorrows and carve the lies I've been taught by the foolish and the foul out of my heart. Pass Thy hands over my weeping sores. Let me be free of the heartbreaks that cracked open so long ago. Help me release the weight of my memories. I want to walk out into the sun, into the bright of a clean day. Take this and place it in the sepulchre where the worst of us lies, where the corruption we resist and slough off can be entombed. Forgive the horror of my selfishness. Take all this from me and let me live a new life. I want this, I want this, I trust You. I want a new set of good intentions like an unused box of paint. The old picture is muddy, I'm starting over on a clean page.

She was listening for the angels just like me

4 years ago today was the beginning! I can't believe how much time has swirled by since then, I can't even acknowledge all the changes before they rush past. I still cling to commemorating the important days though. Morena, todavia estas conmigo? Me accompanas en lo que tengo que enfrentar ahora?

One way to be my journey, this way could be my book of days.

I saw this on someone's blog and it intrigued me. Here is my own voice from the dust, telling you about September 30th (or the date closest to it) over the years. I edited for darker content, and I've given everyone who might need one a fake name. Commentary I couldn't resist making is in brackets. I know it's lengthy and kind of heavy so I don't expect anyone to wade through it, but it's been a fascinating experiment for me. There happened to be many September entries that were especially full of angst, but don't judge, I promise I wasn't emo all the time, I think writing was just cathartic for me. It's kind of amazing to see how much of a thunderous cliche I was (am?) but I also see glimmers of my best self, which gives me heart. :)

September 8, 1996, 12
I have observable evidence that Natalie has been reading my journal...I like school, to some extent. We had the relatives over today. [Seriously? Who talks like that? 'The relatives'?] I think I have a neat family! I'm a pretty lucky kid when I think about it...I want to remember always that when Grandpa gave me my KEEP PACE sign, he told me as we walked out of the chicken coop, "Everyone who's my best friend has to have a Keep Pace sign." I love that.

September 26, 1997, 13
I'm sorry I haven't written in so long! I've missed talking to you. I've been very busy. We had a very exciting morning. A million things happened and they all made us laugh. When we got paid for the paper route we went to Media Play and bought the Star Wars trilogy! I'm so excited but we can only watch TV on the weekends now. No more TV on school days. I forgot to tell you that Princess Diana died in a car wreck because some disgusting photographers were chasing her on motorcycles.

September 30, 1998, 14
[After a lengthy and melodramatic description of a confrontation with a parent:] Jesus said we need to forgive 70 times 7. That's 490. I've been keeping track in my notebook and I have 31 already. Just this year, too.
Today Johnny sat diagonal from me on the bus and we talked a lot about gym. He is so stunning. I am so happy whenever I can make him laugh but I want to die whenever we have to run laps in front of the boys. It's bad running with them too but I decided having them watch is worse.
I think my brother Bill is lonely sometimes. Tonight I babysat him while Mom was at the piano recital. He was the only one home besides me. He said he wanted to play Clue or Monopoly. I asked him if he knew how to play those games and he said "Well, no, but the other kids won't let me play, and you could teach me." We played Adventure Park, which is a psychologist game that has cards with psychological questions. I think Dad got it from a psychiatrist. One of the questions was, "What do you wish people would do more often?" Bill thought about it and then he said, "Play with me." I hate Adventure Park. I cheated so Bill would win and he cheated so he'd win, too. We were both happy. After that I helped him paint a picture on the computer.
I'm having fun in debate. Mark said yes to Marcie when she asked him to the Christmas dance. I am so happy for her! News Flash! Lindsay got her tongue pierced. It's kind of cool I guess, but it makes me think of the nails in Jesus' hands. [HAHAHAHAHAHA! Also, WTF?]
We have a concert in choir soon. My favorite line in "O Holy Night" is "A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." That's all my news for today!

September 15, 1999, 15
Today was so very disappointing. Why can't things ever be easy or fun anymore? When I talk to my friends on the phone it's like a counselor session. I'm always GIVING. I am so tired and I am in such a bad mood that everything looks black right now. I need some sleep and I need to read my scriptures and ask Mr. Hilton about my research paper and study my history notes and do my speech over and forget about stupid GUYS. This morning Mom and I were in an argument about how I don't want to get married. She was saying I was being selfish and that I was going to break a lot of guys' hearts. Excuse me. "Mom," I said, "No guy has ever liked me in my life." And this is the truth. [This was not the truth.] "You're only fifteen!" She exclaimed. I'm only fifteen?! I'm a joke. There is so much I've already missed out on. Katie Davis has had guys falling all over her since third grade and now she has a senior boyfriend, she's always dating and going to movies on top of having perfect grades, tons of friends and being a Tigerette. What do I have?

Some things. I have some things. This morning I did the devotional for Seminary and I talked about little children being like the kingdom of heaven and volunteering at Lewis and loving everyone. I think it was a good talk, it made me feel very spiritual and powerful. I love the Lewis kids so much. I want to give something to so many people.
Things with Dad are starting to be like they were before. I need to do better.

September 27, 2000, 16
"I don't believe you when you say, everything will be wonderful someday"
I'm sorry I haven't written for so long. I'm feeling very discouraged right now. And I can't even blame it on anyone. I feel like my hands and face are covered with black paint, but I painted myself, like I was trying to get attention, and it didn't work. All I want is for him to notice me. That's it. All he has to do is talk to me. Or say hi in the hall. I can fill in the holes by myself. And if I can't than the bottom falls out from under me and there's nothing to land on and when the floor shifts and slip-slides away I remember how fake it is.

Sometimes I look at people I know are unhappy and wonder why no one else can see. Like Josh? There are times when I can tell he is a seriously tormented human being. Everyone thinks he's really annoying but I feel miserable for him. He's a masochist and so am I occasionally. Is that why I..I was to say "understand him" but I don't understand him! I can't see where he's coming from. But no one else even wonders about the reasons he acts like he does...I think he's so insecure and scared and out of control and when someone is like that, and they have such severe problems, you can't just pass them off as obnoxious and put them away...on the other hand, I don't know one thing in the world I can do to help, he's not interested in anyone being a good example.

The Student Government social was so fun! No one had any inhibitions, and we just played around and bonded. The senior boys threw us in the pool with our clothes on. I had the best talk with Miss Rob about letting other people shine and faking confidence even if you don't feel it, and how I can develop the qualities I admire in other people instead of just feeling bad about myself because I don't have them.

Miss Rob drove me and Calie home and said we were good sports about being thrown in the water. But I really didn't mind because I loved it, and there was an added bonus because I got to play around in the water but didn't have to look fat in a swimsuit. I really bonded with Calie cause she has a bigger crush on Johnny than I do. On the way home I made Miss Rob drive by his house and I told her to drive slow cause there was a blind kid in the neighborhood. She said, "Is he IN the ROAD?"

Mr. Butler is cynical but amazing and very smart! I am learning so much in that class just by talking and listening to him talk. I feel overcome with ideas. I'm finding out what I really think about issues...like do I even believe in the American Dream?
I'll write more tomorrow night cause I have a ghastly test I have to study for.

September 30, 2001, 17
Hey hey! I haven't written for more than a month mainly because I misplaced this book. There have been many times when I have collapsed into my bed weary and battleworn, when I wished I had recorded my endeavors and emotions of that day, I know it takes time but I think it's worth the effort to write every day. So much is lost and forgotten if you don't write it down and preserve it. From now on I am going to try to write just a little bit every night about my life--this dying swansong of seventeen. I have recently grasped the awful concept that my days of youth are fleeting away and will be plunged into darkness come June!!
Naturally this knowledge distresses me greatly. Of course there will be the glorious time of power, courage, endurance and conviction when I will be called to serve, but the time before and after will be bleak and dreary. Everything light and fun will end when I graduate from OHS and my life will become emptied of joy...

I meant to say that life is wonderful. No math this year. I'm slightly concerned about college and scholarships but you know me, I go ducking out from under it and dance merrily on my way like it'll take care of itself and I know someday it's going to bang me in the face and knock me cross eyed, but I could care less as long as I don't end up at Weber.

Today was the Relief Society broadcast and I tried not to let it make me uncomfortable, but it did...I wish someone could answer my questions but I'm not even sure what I'm trying to ask. I can't make this okay in my head...It's swirling around like some gigantic painful stew and I hate it. I was trying to write about some happy days but the torture has resurfaced and I am struggling to make it go away again. How can you be married to someone and hate them? What did they do to deserve this? They aren't bad people. But if it's like this for everybody then what's the point and I wish Nephi would have written about his wife. She must have had incredible experiences. I wish I could at least know her name. Why didn't all these great men of God consider the possible merits of having some female heroes among those voices from the dust? Maybe no one else would care but it would mean so much to me. And the very fact that they didn't consider it must mean we're insignificant. I love the story of the Stripling Warriors but it is given to Sam and JJ and not to me. What stories of ourselves ARE given to girls? What can I wish for?

I can still comfort the weary and strengthen the weak. I guess that's all I can do--it's the only constant I have. I will continue to serve and try to give freely and the Lord will bless me. With what? I worry I can never have the things that will make me truly happy. Who knows? Maybe we'll all get blown up tomorrow.

September 26, 2002, 18
Hey, it's me! Do you have any idea how much I'm pimpin' it up here? Mostly I love everyone and everyone loves me! I struggle so much trying to study with my overactive social life. I don't feel like a freshman emotionally (I mean scared or confused). I am out and about always and everywhere. I LOVE it here!!! It has everything I loved about high school except for the assemblies. I get to stay up later, spend less time in class, and there are no parents. I just wanted to say how thankful I am that the Lord helped me prepare and present my lesson today in R.S. I was so nervous but once I got up there it was a smoothbeautifully folded miracle.

October 2, 2003, 19
Thank you for music, and thank you more for the sunset this night. It was so glorious!--I was so happy to see it. I can't see a sunset without thinking, "How great thou art!"

I played tonight, and I shouldn't have. Ben asked me out again and tonight Eric took me to the combined choir concert. It was stunning and knocked my perspective back into place. He brought me flowers and played his guitar for me but i. just. want. Casey. I'm really glad that Melanie has my back about Casey being the right one for me, it makes it that much easier.

I couldn't help tasting the sweetness of those things Eric says to me and I really can TALK to him, not just make conversation, but even as I was out under the stars, clutching those daisies and listening to those songs, my heart was bursting with the hope of being back with Casey someday. What wouldn't I give for one more moonlit night on the back staircase of Wells Hall. And, oh, so much longer til I see his face again! I don't know if I could stand it if I saw that face and didn't know it, or if his eyes lost that warmth and the joyful look he had for me. At the same time I can sense the stone cut out of the mountain without hands and he's working SO hard. I'm so proud of him and more than a little worried I'll never catch up. I hope there is more to me than Casey, but he is so unselfishly, wholeheartedly good, I have never known anyone better and I know I could never make a better decision than to have that powerful goodness by my side. And oh, so much I miss my friend!

September 26, 2004, 20
"How long thy love has blessed me, sure it still will lead me on"
I'm sitting on one of the benches in front of the ASB and it's absolutely the most gorgeous, peaceful Sabbath afternoon ever. It's so warm and beautiful outside and church was AMAZING today--the Spirit burned and melted my heart so many times. I feel refreshed and humbled and desperate to get to Romania and to the mission field. Our message is so flawless, I love it! Jesucristo is truly the light of the nations, He is our Rock and HE LOVES US. I can feel it. Today Jenny taught about 3 Nefi 11 and the 3 days of darkness before the Son of Righteousness came to visit the Nephites. She turned off all the lights and had several guys read the scriptures in different languages. Then we sang "Come unto Jesus, from every nation." Then in R.S all the returned sisters sang "I'll Go where you want me to go" in their mission languages. It really touched me, I know Hollie loved it too. We're both trying to work hard and prepare ourselves for our missions. I want you to know that at this moment, right now, I feel sure that Heavenly Father loves us his daughters so very much and that it must hurt and infuriate Him when men treat us so badly. I'm thankful to Him for keeping me safe and blessing me with so much. I want to keep this Light, bind it to me and spread the joy of the gospel. I know I'm prone to wander, but I don't want to be!
I love going places in Provo and running into people I know! My life I live it to the limit and I love it. I had the best date with "El Presidente" last night, we went to Chilis and got quesadillas and then watched Pirates of the Caribbean after the boys fixed the DVD player. I'm not exactly sure what El Presidente thinks about me, but presumably he likes me a little since he always holds my hand and we hecka cuddle whenever we watch movies. Actually I just need to get over myself and stop being a player (sometimes I go with 3 different guys during one day, all spaced out--not good!) and work harder at all the responsibilities I'm privileged to have. Wish me luck, thanks for listening! It's a beautiful DAY!

September 24, 2005, 21
Casey means so much to me, it's exactly the way it used to be with us except "coupled with eternal glory." My day doesn't start til I see him and I can't stay away. He really is my joy. I love all our late nights on the couch watching the O.C and playing Gin with the Tail. I love him so much. Last Sunday my grandparents took us to the Spanish devotional about Jose Smith at the conference center. It was SO POWERFUL singing in Spanish with that many people! I loved the message and the sounds of the words. Casey started crying during the opening hymn and when I saw it my eyes got teary, too. It touches me so much to see how loving the people in his mission affects him. I wish missing that country and those experiences were something I could share with him. He kept turning away and trying not to let me see him crying, but he didn't need to, nothing could have been more attractive. I haven't felt the Spirit like that since I left Romania, probably since my experience teaching Elena with the Elders. It was amazing and so tangible. There was a very sweet little hispanic down syndrome boy who kept peeking at me from under his hands and I kept wanting to hold him on my lap. Casey means everything to me, being with him gives my life more meaning. My children would be so blessed to have him as a father. My life would be so blessed spent beside him. He's so funny and spastic like me, but sometimes he gives jaw-droppingly wise counsel. I respect him so much.

September 17, 2006, 22
"May angels lead you in..." The caged bird is singing redemption songs and I feel a sort of creeping despair because my brother writes so beautifully. Occasionally I think I was born without powers of reason, completely blind and deaf but able to react with exaggerated and uncoordinated emotional flailing at hot and cold. I had no idea how much philosophy was involved in missionary work at in saving men's souls. The fact that it is distressingly complicated does not lessen the glory of the youth of Zion preaching glad tidings to a rotting world, but it can be disillusioning at times to be hammered and sprayed with so much excellent advice than on occasion can see contradictory. We all want to work, we all want to do good, we just lack faith and ingenuity and we get too extreme instead of seeking balance.

This transfer feels like it's stretching me more than the last one although we have more good work to do...I know receiving Hermana Pidwerbecki as a companion was TRULY a blessing from the One who knows all things because she has a keen eye on all my weaknesses, speaks truth, and somehow seems to keep me from making disastrous mistakes. :) She's definitely seen me at my worst and that's embarrassing, but somehow less lonely. I have endless improving to do as a missionary, but when I think of the pride and naivete that was present in me when I entered the CCM, I feel queasy.

These are sweet days because they are setting the tones for my spiritual strength the rest of my life. Sometimes I think the only question I have to settle is whether I hate myself more than I love the Savior. That's a very bleak thought and I'm sure not an original one, but sometimes hideous memories, slimy tales from the homefront and well-deserved criticism make me want to cease to exist. I don't know why I felt so much peace in Bryan and it's different here, but I know that peace was real and sweet and it didn't just come from the environment or from my companion, but because I swung open the gate to my heart. I'm not sure what exactly slammed it shut again. I'm still prideful, see? In the same moments I'm trying to create a legacy of faith, catch the scope and vision and breadth and fire of the gospel, I find myself narrowing into a more cynical creature. Why would I care about any of that if I really believe in a God of miracles, in a Savior of the orphans?...
...And there is a deep wound in my heart for Eric because of how dearly and painfully I love him but how truly loath I am to let myself be with him. It's UGLY because he feels so much after me that I lose respect for him and the proposal on paper was almost stingingly accusatory that I've made him wait on a bed of nails but he does it gladly. I have no comprehension of how to defend myself and protect him in the same moment--I am going to beg and plead that the powers of heaven guide my pen--

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that Francisco prayed the other night in tears after watching FFIC--in tears!--pleading to know if someone was aware of him, and he felt a warm hand on his back. He said he knows for sure that God is aware of his struggles and loves him despite everything. He said the feeling of love and mercy came so powerfully that he wanted to run out in the streets and tell everyone that the Savior lives. He told me he believed it before but he knows it for sure now; he even prayed for his mother and felt something speak to his heart, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Even though I know he will fall again, it was a glorious moment for me to hear this--more than I can explain. I have worked and struggled so hard with him, but I have always felt that literally the Lord has His hand on Francisco's back. Do you think it's on mine as well and I'm just not as good at feeling it?

I guess when they talk about losing your life, they really mean it--supuestamente you can turn it in for a better one. TO BE CONTINUED...Love, Morena.

September 11, 2007, 23
I have the sweetest, clearest bell chiming in my heart right now so I wanted to tune in...I am so happy to be back in beautiful, memory-laden white-bread Provo. I'm still struggling with myself but I believe that my Father can help me. He helped me become Hermana Morena, He can take my empathy and humiliated humility and give me the experiences I need to help me become a competent social worker.

Before it spins even further away, I have to mention how bomb it was to go back to H-town--the miraculous/disastrous, ridiculously lucky journey, and the marvelous days with mis homies. I have such a tender love for the dear ones I was called to serve. When we drove over the state line from Oklahoma to Texas at 2 AM I was suddenly alert and filled with this energy and elation--I was going HOME! I felt so happy and alive and in love with the gospel and that feeling stayed with me throughout the duration of our time there. I'd forgotten how much I loved the sudden thunderstorms and the Spanglish and the way the air feels like a sauna. My time with Los Sosa y Serrano melted my heart and it's too precious and sacred for me to find the words right now to describe how I felt when Sixto prayed over dinner and Ismael taught me about el Espiritu Santo when I went to mission prep with him. I felt too full, too joyous, it's something too wonderful to happen to me!

The Spirit is like a sweet light inside me that gives me comfort and courage. I am not lost to my Father and I know He loves me despite my many weaknesses. I am not afraid to be sincere. I feel so thrilled in all my classes to have the ability to express myself well and learn from all the social working warriors. I want to figure myself out. I feel loved right now, it's so fun to have new friends and feel fearless. I'm changing in good ways and becoming who my Savior would have me be, I hope. I know there are brothers of mine who have fallen by the wayside and are just suffering in the dark. I know what it's like to be a human being in pain and I want to be a bearer of light to help them move to higher ground. The Lord will always require so much, but than in itself is a blessing. I'm ready for Him to tune me into a different kind of instrument, I'm in another white field, white with tears and tragedy. I know He won't leave me alone if I'm trying to help another of His children. I'm privileged to be here!

One word about guys ----------> I seem stuck in a swirling pool of misery and desperation that consists of, seemingly, every male who was ever associated in any way with my relationship with Casey. It never ends! I guess it's complimentary but I still feel hurt and undignified. I don't want to hurt anyone, but the lonely are such delicate things. :(

I still miss my mission, but I feel filled with hope. I think good things can happen to me and of me...I miss the old days but these days are good, too.

September 22, 2008, 24
Buenos dias! I found the capilla yesterday and the office in Volcanes today all on my own! The members were so kind to me and the wife of the obispo invited me to noche de hogar tonight at her house! I am feeling liberated and elated. I loved walking down the street this morning and the smell of salsa in the air when I passed the shops. I want to absorb Mexico into my skin, into my soul. I love the colors and the broken-down-ness, the quick fluttering of Spanish everywhere. To a certain extent I miss going to class and discussing all the roots of the world and mercy from heaven, but for now I want to work work work!

You've been in the desert underneath the charging sky

These are my most loved poems by e.e cummings. I love the first one because it holds all the precious things in patterns but to noone and anyone it doesn't matter how many times it's happened before, they are always Adam and Eve and the only story that matters is theirs.

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

Here is the second poem. Naomi gave it to me before I left for Romania and it cleanly fit the spirit of everything jumping around in my heart. It's energy and joy and it is the sun's birthday!

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of allnothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

This is ourselves under pressure

Any way you try to twist the story I still feel trapped, trapped, trapped. Like I am de-railing everything I hoped for. But maybe that train was never on its way. The alternative is black nothingness or toolboxes or the Land of the Misfit toys. I promised to commit with mi corazon entero and plead with heaven to shine some light on my conondrum. For so long I balked and resisted and pouted and wept and then suddenly I just slipped into his pocket. I've been fighting to get out ever since but what if that's where I belong?